I’m 68, retired 2 years ago. I went on two awesome trip and then my mothers health deteriorated and I came to stay with her.
I worked my tail off for many years and neglected my mother and my kids. Hospitals are 24/7 and I’ve always been the first to offer to work holidays.
I never would have thought I’d want to live like this, but surprisingly I love it. I love getting to know her again, learning things I never knew about her. It’s been the greatest gift I never knew I wanted.
Your mother is lucky to have you as a son and friend. It is obvious that you truly care about her and want the best for her. Getting older with grace, joie de vivre, a sense of adventure, curiosity, and a quick wit are just a few of the traits that your mom seems to embrace. Moreover, she definitely has a tremendous amount of love for you, Jonathan and her daughter! Great moving and honest piece, Alexander.... Love, MOM
My community is a 10, and since it's a college town, people retire here (even though the weather is dismal), which means you have options when it's time to go to "the home", if that's what you want to do. I don't have kids. Even though my own alma mater is salivating over the day I croak and my "planned gift" becomes a reality, college development offices don't do much for their aged customers other than sending cards that say "aren't you dead yet? and sending a gift box from the Cholesterol of the Month Club.
Gen X here - mid 50s. I’m starting the conversation with my kids (early 20s) about what to do should I live to be 70+. I’m still working, will be for another decade or more. The work hard, plan and prepare but also figure it out along the way without creating a crisis because life can be overwhelming at times mentality of my generation is less and less and I’m concerned if I don’t create an easy to follow plan with various contingencies, my Gen Z kids will be burdened by me, once I’m elderly, since society will not provide good or reasonable guidance.
1. Negatory on parent living with. Space is too important and already lived with them birth to 18 years old.
2. Praying Palm Springs is still habitable, only 16 more years till I qualify for senior living. Also more bullet trains in 🇺🇸 & flights with no kids 💪
I enjoyed this well written, thought provoking piece. I’m the Gen X version of your mother, 15 years her junior. I’m also active, and talk to people everywhere I go. My husband and I are late in life parents, so our daughter will be 18 next month. I will be contemplating the questions you pose for sometime. I do like the obvious affection you have for your mother; I imagine my daughter and I will end up with a similar relationship when she’s an adult.
Actually, I really like living in the US, being a native born midwesterner. I wouldn’t want to pick up stakes and move, unless it would be to be near our daughter, when she is out of college and working.
Yeah, this woman on our street the other day was like, "I have to get the hell out of this country!" She's married with kids, and she has, what looks like, from the outside a very easy, perfect life.
I was kind of like, where do you think you could possibly go that is much better than the United States?
I think the real truth is that she just has never been anywhere else, and she doesn't really get how great this country is, regardless of its flaws.
I love this and can relate . I,as of very recently , live w my daughter and care for my grandson i love it but at times feel more like the hired help and feel dismissed often. Usually accustomed to being independent fir and active it's a bittersweet arrangement. I sometimes think of the folks in Sardinia whom live to over 100 bc of their lifestyle and how the economy here doesn't really allow for that ideallic life. Ive lived many lives in my 57 years and feel like I've only aged in this past one. Is like to be able to fight it w the vigor of days gone by. Aging for many can be very lonely even if you are surrounded by people. I know many people w the gift of Gab like your mom and I hope this new adventure and chapter in life will be enjoyable and healthful.
I finally had a chance to read the entire substack article on 'your parents are old". Pictured the scenes in my mind and had to chuckle. Is it okay for me to copy the entrie piece to my FB feed to share with friends or can you send me a link to do so?
Live alone but within 5 minute drive of 3 or of 4 daughters I can relate to your article I can see why my generation as a hard time understanding my 50 something kids
Not to mention the absolute lack of modern day technology
Have you tried the two-way voice conversations with AI? It's actually quite a nice step in the direction of making the modern-day technology not so foreign.
I’m 38. I worked in nursing homes and in home care through my late teens and 20s, and after that experience, I’d prefer to have my parents, my in laws, everyone live with us.
The plan is to build essentially efficiency apartments for everyone so that they have what they need and don’t step on each others toes. I would not trust them to the system I have seen and been a part of.
As for myself, I intend to stay right where I am, hopefully one of our children will make sure I’m not forced into a nursing home. I’m way too private to ever be comfortable with that. Every private moment being overseen by strangers is nightmarish.
I occasionally have nightmares about some of the facilities I worked in.
I’m 68, a widow for 2-1/2 years and live 10-20 miles from my two sons. I am staying with the younger one while my daughter in law’s in school. I love them all dearly, but living with them full time? Not until I absolutely have to! Community about a 5-6, mainly because I do enjoy time by myself. Good friends and doing what you enjoy doing is so important.
Hey Alex, this was a great read. My parents are in their fifties, and I’d like to think I would take them in one day if they needed it. But I can also imagine how complicated that becomes once you’ve built your own life and family. Aging parents become a constant reminder of mortality, and living with them might make me feel like I’m slowly dying right alongside them.
I love my parents so much, and I know your writing reflects that same love.
I’m 68, retired 2 years ago. I went on two awesome trip and then my mothers health deteriorated and I came to stay with her.
I worked my tail off for many years and neglected my mother and my kids. Hospitals are 24/7 and I’ve always been the first to offer to work holidays.
I never would have thought I’d want to live like this, but surprisingly I love it. I love getting to know her again, learning things I never knew about her. It’s been the greatest gift I never knew I wanted.
I assume you're talking about getting to know your daughter, right?
Ben and I are 50/50 on kids still.
No, my mom is almost 90, she has multiple back problems but her mind is sharper than mine! She also passed those back problems to me!
You'll always have something to remember her by!
Get a dog, they do not ask for money.
Your mother is lucky to have you as a son and friend. It is obvious that you truly care about her and want the best for her. Getting older with grace, joie de vivre, a sense of adventure, curiosity, and a quick wit are just a few of the traits that your mom seems to embrace. Moreover, she definitely has a tremendous amount of love for you, Jonathan and her daughter! Great moving and honest piece, Alexander.... Love, MOM
SHE'S A PLANT
My community is a 10, and since it's a college town, people retire here (even though the weather is dismal), which means you have options when it's time to go to "the home", if that's what you want to do. I don't have kids. Even though my own alma mater is salivating over the day I croak and my "planned gift" becomes a reality, college development offices don't do much for their aged customers other than sending cards that say "aren't you dead yet? and sending a gift box from the Cholesterol of the Month Club.
Do you wish you had had kids?
There are times that I wish I had kids, but I'm ok being the single gay uncle too. I have a niece and two nephews and that's about as close as I get.
Gen X here - mid 50s. I’m starting the conversation with my kids (early 20s) about what to do should I live to be 70+. I’m still working, will be for another decade or more. The work hard, plan and prepare but also figure it out along the way without creating a crisis because life can be overwhelming at times mentality of my generation is less and less and I’m concerned if I don’t create an easy to follow plan with various contingencies, my Gen Z kids will be burdened by me, once I’m elderly, since society will not provide good or reasonable guidance.
Yes. This is the typical unfortunate story of most Americans :/
1. Negatory on parent living with. Space is too important and already lived with them birth to 18 years old.
2. Praying Palm Springs is still habitable, only 16 more years till I qualify for senior living. Also more bullet trains in 🇺🇸 & flights with no kids 💪
Sadly I don't think you're going to get your bullet train wish
😭🚆
I enjoyed this well written, thought provoking piece. I’m the Gen X version of your mother, 15 years her junior. I’m also active, and talk to people everywhere I go. My husband and I are late in life parents, so our daughter will be 18 next month. I will be contemplating the questions you pose for sometime. I do like the obvious affection you have for your mother; I imagine my daughter and I will end up with a similar relationship when she’s an adult.
You have enough time to move to Denmark
Actually, I really like living in the US, being a native born midwesterner. I wouldn’t want to pick up stakes and move, unless it would be to be near our daughter, when she is out of college and working.
Yeah, this woman on our street the other day was like, "I have to get the hell out of this country!" She's married with kids, and she has, what looks like, from the outside a very easy, perfect life.
I was kind of like, where do you think you could possibly go that is much better than the United States?
I think the real truth is that she just has never been anywhere else, and she doesn't really get how great this country is, regardless of its flaws.
I love this and can relate . I,as of very recently , live w my daughter and care for my grandson i love it but at times feel more like the hired help and feel dismissed often. Usually accustomed to being independent fir and active it's a bittersweet arrangement. I sometimes think of the folks in Sardinia whom live to over 100 bc of their lifestyle and how the economy here doesn't really allow for that ideallic life. Ive lived many lives in my 57 years and feel like I've only aged in this past one. Is like to be able to fight it w the vigor of days gone by. Aging for many can be very lonely even if you are surrounded by people. I know many people w the gift of Gab like your mom and I hope this new adventure and chapter in life will be enjoyable and healthful.
I feel like you'll be fine. I think the self-awareness is kind of the most important thing here. It seems like you have that.
I finally had a chance to read the entire substack article on 'your parents are old". Pictured the scenes in my mind and had to chuckle. Is it okay for me to copy the entrie piece to my FB feed to share with friends or can you send me a link to do so?
Yes. Yes you may.
I am 82
Live alone but within 5 minute drive of 3 or of 4 daughters I can relate to your article I can see why my generation as a hard time understanding my 50 something kids
Not to mention the absolute lack of modern day technology
Have you tried the two-way voice conversations with AI? It's actually quite a nice step in the direction of making the modern-day technology not so foreign.
I’m 38. I worked in nursing homes and in home care through my late teens and 20s, and after that experience, I’d prefer to have my parents, my in laws, everyone live with us.
The plan is to build essentially efficiency apartments for everyone so that they have what they need and don’t step on each others toes. I would not trust them to the system I have seen and been a part of.
As for myself, I intend to stay right where I am, hopefully one of our children will make sure I’m not forced into a nursing home. I’m way too private to ever be comfortable with that. Every private moment being overseen by strangers is nightmarish.
I occasionally have nightmares about some of the facilities I worked in.
Woah. Is there no good assisted living model you've seen? Or...does one just have to have SO much money that you can buy into the better ASLs?
I’m 68, a widow for 2-1/2 years and live 10-20 miles from my two sons. I am staying with the younger one while my daughter in law’s in school. I love them all dearly, but living with them full time? Not until I absolutely have to! Community about a 5-6, mainly because I do enjoy time by myself. Good friends and doing what you enjoy doing is so important.
Could community for you ever get to a 10 while you still retain your solo time?
Maybe it could. This summer, I can get back to a local group that has fun with free salsa lessons at a community center.
this is lovely
Hey Alex, this was a great read. My parents are in their fifties, and I’d like to think I would take them in one day if they needed it. But I can also imagine how complicated that becomes once you’ve built your own life and family. Aging parents become a constant reminder of mortality, and living with them might make me feel like I’m slowly dying right alongside them.
I love my parents so much, and I know your writing reflects that same love.
Totally. I guess the question is: assuming they don't NEED you to take them in, what do they actually want for their lives
Spot on! Brilliant writing! Xxo
I would HATE to be a mind trapped, but I guess if you can’t think then…maybe it’s a non-issue?
Have you seen those new petri dishes they're filling with brain cells and having them play video games?
Did your dad do assisted suicide?
Also, I will buy your novel.
And I know I posted about going to your funeral and I will also be doing that.
So much to do.